Monday, September 20, 2010


I am fighting horrible anxiety. Its getting worse and worse by day but I
continue to avoid medication. I keep thinking that I can self medicate and
everything will be fine. Not working. On my nightstand is the orange bottle with
the white label. TAKE TWICE DAILY.......FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Meds are
only a temporary fix but I dont want to become dependant. Im still battling
the first pill. :( Its not like Im going to take this pill and no longer be
in the Matrix. I feel I will actually be in the Matrix. I will be another
zombie who doesnt know why they are smiling or frowning. Maybe I am over-analyzing but
hey, thats what we anxious folk do. I need to figure something out. Soon.
I cant continue life in fear. I want to live...but at what cost?

I have been listening to Kanye's new song Runaway on repeat. Its melancholy
verses, beat and solo piano have me in a trance that I dont want escape.
I can feel it. The song encapsulates my moment in life right now.

I need something....I just dont know what.


Carmella said...

i feel you, really i do!
anxiety and i are old friends. i over analyze all the time, that is also the struggle in my life right now! i'm totally there with you!
it makes total sense that you don't want to take pills, i'm sort of against pills of any kind, seriously-i don't even take tylenol...

keep searching, your healing will come from within. i keep telling myself that i need to just need to chill the hell out and be open, the universe will will give me whatever it is i need... *sigh* :)

ShopGirlXOXO said...

I succumbed to taking the medication. With all the school work and craziness I needed more normalcy in life before I really drive myself mad. So I started almost a week ago. I know this isnt the end all solution but I sure hope its a start towards recovery. Nobody realized how dehabilitating GAD is unless they have been down that road themselves. I am like you too! I am against pills also but I had to do this. Im glad there are others who feel the same way and I am glad that you shared your struggle with me. Sometimes I feel so alone. I too keep trying to tell myself to chill out and let the universe give me what I need. Let go and let God deal with it.